He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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