apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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