I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
