I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize