I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What drink are we having for lunch?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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