the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
