my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
