i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You're a waste of cheezeits
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize