when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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