My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
