matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
