my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
