Sponge bath it is.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
