the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He? As in you personified your dick?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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