Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Randomize
