I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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