P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
