I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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