forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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