Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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