smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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