I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
