You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize