I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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