Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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