how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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