Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize