if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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