alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Success! We fucked roommates!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
