I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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