I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
