sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so let's talk penis.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
