just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
