i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
