Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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