i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
whose ass print is on the piano?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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