I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My feet surprised me
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
