is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
