I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
