i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
