my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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