two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
