You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
