this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
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