I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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