I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
