I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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