He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
