good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
