Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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