Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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