I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
