at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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