I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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