just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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