the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
