Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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