I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
