Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
