Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Of course I have a pirate flag
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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