I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
