If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
