It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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