Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
