Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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