I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
